numb.

i don't know why but thats how i feel. lately its been hard to keep going. i know what i have to do and where i want to go but i just can't keep moving.

its kinda like the other day when i was watching american gladiators on espn classic. if you've seen that show then you should remember that event called "atlasphere." its when you roll around in that hamsterball cage and try to land in those bowls and hold still til the actuators blow smoke. both of the women managed to shake their gladiators and score but they couldn't get themselves out of those scoring bowls. the point is to keep going and keep scoring but how can you score if you're stuck?

i can't say that i've scored yet...but for a good amount of time i was setting myself up for the good score. i accomplished my tasks at the time and i was really feeling good about myself.

the high kept going leading me thru my san diego trip and even past that down to recital. after that...nothing.

my motivation...my spark...it was gone. i think about it everyday but for some reason i just can't get myself going.

today was a little different. i was supposed to help with my mom with some stuff at 10am but i ended up oversleeping and waking up at 10. i called her and told her that i would be over there at 11. then i looked and saw a missed call from my mentor john. i haven't spoke to him since before body rock so i decided to call him back. he congratulated me on the 2nd place win because my boy niel told him about it and asked me if i could help him out with a couple inspections. i told him that i could do it and i needed to call my mom to reschedule for a later time. i got ready called my mom and as soon as i got ready he was already waiting for me in the driveway. i felt bad because erika had just arrived and i had to leave her.

just talking to john should be a means for inspiration because ultimately he's in the financial position i want to be in. well...the economy sucks...for everyone...and while he's still sorting stuff out he is still making a killing out there. now what i mean by wanting to be in his situation...hes doing his deals and hes getting paid. i am fortunate not to have some of the obligations he has to attend to but if i were making his kind of money in my financial situation i'd be living like i've never lived before.

i was glad to help and keep him company on his route today because a lot of the stuff that he says to me i need to sink in. i even listen in on the way he talks to people on the phone. this guy will turn the table on you if you're trying to do some shady stuff and you'll be left wondering why you even tried to pull a fast one. geez. this guy is good and i wanna be THAT good.

after the inspection we stopped by his office to take care of a couple issues then we headed to kamameshi for lunch.

he gave me a quick pep talk to keep going with studying for my license then dropped me off home.

i was so tired when i got back i ended up falling asleep on erika while she wanted to spend time. i felt like an asshole.

worst of all i ended up sleeping so long that my mom left and i couldn't help her so i gotta do it tomorrow....which cuts into the time that should be spent with erika. geez. i'm f*cking up left and right here.

my sister came over and i updated her iphone. we hung out which is cool cuz soon she'll be moving to san jose and i probably won't see her much at all when she starts school again. at about 11pm we went to go to starbucks...i was supposed to go hang out with my friends but ended up thinking about stuff in my car and i headed home to work one the audition/SI flyers...

geez. i'm tired. i'll see if i can squeeze in some time tomorrow and finish this one.

-not finished...